The ethical dilemma

I had started an art series on Instagram a while back (yes I am taking a minute to market myself, the handle is @normal_space_bodies, check it out!).

In the beginning of may of 2021, I knew then that it was going to take me a while to actually settle a posting rhythm, an artwork style, a feed style. My assumption was right, it took me till august of 2021 to get a handle on any of them, not to mention I had a lot going on in terms of surgery, recovery, both physical and mental. This was the easy part, this was the beautifully easy part, the next part was going to be the painful one. This part consisted of me branching out and questioning if I wanted to put it up on Patreon under an actual subscription model.

In April of 2021 during a class I vividly remember telling one of my lecturers that @normal_space_bodies had begun with questioning the understanding of what is considered "a normal body," what does it look like, how does it breathe, dress, feel, touch, interact with the world, how does the world interact with the "normal body". I remember very specifically telling her as well that I would feel incredibly uncomfortable taking money for this series of artworks and whatever would become of this series of artworks because it would feel like I was monetising on my pain. I was adamant about not monetising on this entire series. Then came the dreaded moment where I started hashing out the next batch of works.

This batch of works was very specific to the book I am writing. It is a semi memoir which chronicles my experiences since the time I started feeling the symptoms till present day. It would go through everything I have been through, well not everything, I would hold back a lot because this is not only my story. My life is not only my story, it is an intersecting part of a whole, I still want to protect some of the people who have hurt me. I still do not want to examine some conversations that have hurt me.

I have so much to write but writing this is not exactly easy. Everything left me for the past two and a half years, my art, my writing, my creativity, everything just got up and left. I didn't have time, energy, the mental space to take a moment and reflect because if I did I knew I was going to give up, this would be a more permanent kind of giving up that I would never be able to forgive myself for.

Then I decided on making this something visual, something more tangible than my brain, my tears and paper.

This series would be conducted in an audio visual interview journal-ish pattern with my soul sister (Zafreen Taj) interviewing me. Some of the questions would be curated, others would not be. I am still working on the nitty gritty details of the whole thing. Right now however I am wondering if it would be a good idea to post edited versions of the videos on Patreon. Putting it up on Patreon will give me an understanding of whether this is something worth pursuing at all, if anyone would actually be interested in my story. And also, maybe I would make some money off of it. Or maybe for the first three months I would put it up on YouTube and then take it onto Patreon.

I am not sure, I am still grappling with the whole "it feels like I am making money off of my pain" thing.

One thing is very clear though, this is a capitalist world and this girl most probably will have medical bills to pay, not to mention the university bills. It is not me making money off of my pain, it is me being paid a fair amount to make content. This content is my life, but it is still content that takes time and resources to make, research and curate.