Body, Body, Yoga and Body
Yoga goals for the year or for life (I have not decided yet and honestly its a journey, I just want to have fun and breathe).
None, nada, nothing.
Well, maybe stamina, and strength. Like a tiny bit. And balance, a lot of that too.
Breathing. I have forgotten how to breathe it seems.
Moving. Being more comfortable in my own body and the way it moves. It's been a while since I have able to move like this. I want to thoroughly enjoy it.
As seen, my yoga goals are rather simple, yes I am a simpleton, do not judge me. It has been forever since I have not been scared to move my body in any way or form without the threat of flare ups hanging over me. The fear of flare ups is still there especially because I have to take three to four day long breaks once every one or two weeks because of flare ups. But the fear is not as strong as it was. I have a window, a small window to strengthen my body and enjoy its movements. I am going to do everything to do both.
The things I have noticed since I have started doing yoga,
I am much stronger than I had assumed, physically speaking. However, I am also much weaker than I had estimated. My body is a dynamic body as almost every last chronically ill body is, I need to learn to adjust to its capriciousness.
One side of my body is stronger, more flexible, open, more balanced. It is slightly weird and the surprising part is it is the left side of my body, the non dominant side. Strange isn't it.
I love Yin yoga. The long holds calm me down. It is also extremely relaxing for my scoliotic pain, and the migraines.
I love yoga that leaves me exhausted, the movements, the more strenuous they are, the calmer I am.
Some days I am better at moving compared to other days, it's strange but it teaches me to listen to my body, to pay attention. It is the highest form of respect one can give to their body. Something that is a constant struggle for me because I have always pushed and pushed and pushed without listening to when my body needs to hold back and take a breath.
I like trying new stuff, adding stuff to sequences that are basic. This is the most exciting part. I am very slow to do this because my first and foremost priority is safety when it comes to yoga and any other form of exercise. The poses should be done safely. I am not quick to make changes to a well established sequence without proper research and understanding for the depth of my own body's capabilities.
I am also trying to balance my diet which is extremely hard with an achalasia body. My body needs all the nutrients. I refuse to deny my body nourishment it needs. However food is a sore topic because it carries a lot of trauma for me. I have always had a very unhealthy relationship with food, it wasn't exactly easy to love my body or food especially after I had started feeling the symptoms of Achalasia.
I had no fancy goals with Yoga, I just wanted breathe, to move, to love my body. During my younger years I was also a dancer, I missed the way my body moved and wanted to feel that again.
I just... I wanted to feel something which wasn't immense fear with any and all kinds of movements. I clung to yoga with a desperation, with a fear, and so much grief. I still stick to it with all of those emotions. They have not been moderated, not even a tiny bit.
I am terrified that one day I will get up and not be able to do any of this again. Death would be a kindness compared to chronic illness symptoms worsening. It takes everything away from you and instills this overwhelming fear in you. It's not a fear that is easy or kind or simple, it takes over everything, every small, big, mediocre thing. For the first time in a long time I don't want it to take away something from me. I do not want it to take away yoga from me.
