My chronic illness is my personality, get over it.

Sometimes, just sometimes (who am I kidding, it is more like all the fucking time) I want to punch people on the face.

So some fundamental things for people who do not know, a chronic illness is a perpetual hell that is a condition that lasts for the entirety of a lifetime in some form or another. It can be less with medication or it can be a trade off for something better or worse because of the medication. Or the medication might not work. Or surgery might not work, if it does they might have complications that are painful or maybe there never may be complications.

It’s complicated, it is filled with so much fear, anger, frustration and irritation, at your body, at the world, at the creator. It’s complicated.

People think they know what they are getting into when they say they know what they are getting into with someone who has a chronic illness, or an invisible chronic illness, but they really fucking don’t when they also say stuff like “however dangerous or not the chronic illness is a small part of your life”, or make convenient excuses based on a chronically ill person’s physical inabilities.

When I was diagnosed I forced myself to never let myself use my chronic illness as an excuse. I learnt that I was torturing myself. When I did come out and tell them about my chronic illness there have been many instances where it was directly and indirectly told that I have used my chronic illness as an excuse to underperform even when I have a very fucking good CGPA. I lost people I considered friends because they could not understand. I have been told that my chronic illness isn’t as complicated or it doesn’t make me any different from everyone else. The exact words were “you have a chronic illness and someone else will be dealing with something else”. I will never disagree with that. I will never undervalue your pain, but for the love of god, stop invalidating my pain.

I am tired. Even more so because I have had conversations that made me feel less than after the people I interacted with got to know that I have a chronic illness.

I have trauma. I am tired and I do not fucking care how uncomfortable I make you with being honest about my pain anymore. I am tired of making concessions, adjusting and hiding my pain behind blank canvases just to “fit in” or make the person in front of me, especially able bodied people, comfortable. Life is unfair, your get used to discomfort.

My chronic illness is my personality. I mean it has literally taken so much from me, my time, my life, my… oh my god, it is one fucking long list. I am annoyed, angry, frustrated and furious at the world, at myself, at my body, at the creator. My chronic illness is not a small part of my life, it is my entire life. So to all the people who think I am exaggerating, get the fuck out of here. I have no time for you.

And no, you are not entitled to my diagnosis.

Note: This is one of the first pieces of writing that I had written to assure myself before the journey I was going to go on that is the Series Normal bodies (insta handle: @Normal_space_bodies). It is a personal, vulnerable journey. It is to create awareness and also because I feel a responsibility to the next generation of non-able bodied people. They deserve a better world and I want to create that for them.

Instagram story on @normal_space_bodies from 2021 | @lifeinautismworld post re-shared

Instagram story on @normal_space_bodies from 2021 | @achalasiamama post re-shared